i don’t know exactly what happens in the first pam movie but you just know that some heavy shit went down because pam’s character development is clear in the pam 2: the winter pam trailer like you just know she’s not here to deal with your shit anymore
If you’re ever feeling this world is not perfect, remember this.
I just learned that they would change the cue cards before the live taping, so Stefon’s lines were brand new to the cast. No wonder they always lost it.
avengers au - genderswap
natalie dormer as captain america
margot robbie as thor
jennifer lawrence as hawkeye
aaron paul as black widow
rachel weisz as the hulk
lena headey as iron man
rooney mara as loki
gina torres as dir. nick fury
alden ehrenreich as agent maria hill
& amy poehler as agent coulson
oh. my. god.
I JUST REALIZED WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT DINOSAURS SOUND LIKE! THEY COULD’VE BEEN SPEAKING FLUENT GERMAN FOR ALL WE KNOW
it’s too early for this late night tumblr shit
GUTEN MORGEN HERR PTERODACTYL
WIE GEHTS FRAU MASTADON
Oh my god neither of those are dinosaurs and there’s 145 million years separating them both, this post is a palaeontological disaster.
We live in an age of some really great blow-job artists. Every era has it’s art form. The nineteenth century, I know, was tops for the novel. I just do what I can not to gag too much. I know boyfriends get really excited when they can touch the soft flesh at the back of your throat. At these times I just try to breath through my nose and not throw up on their cock. I did vomit a little the other day but I kept right on sucking. Aside from blow jobs though, I’m through with being the perfect girlfriend, just through with it. Then if he’s sore with me, let him dump my ass. That will just give him more time to be a genius.
One good thing about being a woman is we haven’t too many examples yet of what genius looks like. It could be me. There is no ideal model for how my mind should be. For the men, it’s pretty clear. That’s the reason you see them trying to talk themselves up all the time. I laugh when they won’t say what they mean so the academics will study them forever. I’m thinking of you Mark Z., and you, Christian B. You just keep on peddling your phony-baloney genius crap, while I’m up giving blow jobs in heaven.
sheila heti / how should a person be
a couple days ago a bro dismissed me because i said i like one direction, which, i mean, one should often tell bros she likes one direction because like, the comedy of it all, the comedy of it all. the comedy of it all in that bro, when you were 14 and living off a diet of mountain dew and working around a schedule built on masturbating, i was lounging in the music aisle of Borders, reading about kurt cobain before you even really knew who he was; that $80+ i got every weekend from the neighbors i’d conned into paying me $40 / hour for tutoring their children, i was spending all that money on music and i owned the beatles discography before you’d even listened to the white album, when you were 17 and now masturbating exclusively to led zeppelin, i’d graduated from classic rock and right into the smiths and animal collective, and maybe, probably i was doing it to impress dashing young men like yourself, who would eventually grow up into 28 year old’s who say to their bro friends things like ‘but she’s not like other girls bro, she listens to the smiths’ (!!!); in college, while you masturbated to james joyce and ernest hemingway and jonathan franzen, i spent a year writing only about jimi hendrix, one time i dealt only with putting jimi hendrix’s performance of the star spangled banner in dialgoue with t.s. ellot’s the wasteland, and i got an A and my male professor said i should publish, so i giggled and scurried away.
i don’t know how to tell you this, but i do everything better than you, i do your profound male genius better than you, i learned and mastered your game before i graduated high school, and while you were sleeping, i beat you at it, but you’re still here, you’re still here, you and your $65 beanie and your ratty ass copy of Infinite Jest, which, i don’t think you’ve actually read, but it’s such a great accessory, congratulations.
what i mean to say with all this, in relation to giving blow jobs up in heaven, and like, genius, is, i mean, ladies, l a d i e s, we’re never gonna be geniuses’s, not like that bro who’s so much better than me because he doesn’t listen to a silly old boy band, our minds will never have an ideal for how they should be, our experiences will never be standardized, bc men are too busy being genius’s to let that happen, a movie with an all male cast is for everyone, a movie with an all female cast is only for girls.
so really, all i can do is, you know, i’ll just keep wearing crop tops and listening to pop songs whose chorus’s are oh oh oh oh oh oh oh and na na na na na na, i’ll keep growing my nails and sharpening them until they become claws, i’ll wear sequin bras and stuff all my money inside them so when, on a first date, he offers to pay, i’ll insist no no, i’ve got this, and i’ll reach right in and pull out $60, then when he leans in for that kiss later, i’ll give him my cheek, giggle, and scurry away,
MARIAM I WANT TO PLASTER THIS OVER EVERY FLAT SURFACE IN THE WORLD PUBLISH THIS JESUS FUCK